Intuitively, we all know that praising someone (coworker, spouse, student, or child) usually
has positive results. Compliments and admiration for a job well done will result in higher
levels of confidence, boosted motivation, and strengthened relationships. Being praised
makes people feel valued and appreciated. It also contributes to feelings of hopefulness
and having a sense of purpose.
Children are particularly sensitive to the benefits and pitfalls of praise. There exist different
types of praise that highlight distinct aspects of a child’s behavior. These, along with
examples, are below.
Effort-based praise: Focuses on the diligence and energy a child dedicates to a task
– “I’m so proud of how hard you’re working”
– “This is so difficult, but I see you’re not giving up”
Process praise: Highlights strategies and creativity in problem-solving
– “That was a really original way to approach that challenge”
– “I’m so proud of how you figured that out on your own”
Relationship-based praise: Centers on kindness, good character, and relationship-building
– “I noticed you generously shared your snacks when your friend didn’t have any”
– “I appreciate how patiently you listened, I really felt heard”
Outcome-based praise: Concentrates on the end result of an effort
– “Wow- I’m amazed that you made that all by yourself”
– “I’m so impressed that you finished the entire thing”
Social praise: Acknowledges a child’s positive behavior in public
– “I love how nicely you set the table for everyone”
– “Shout-out to you, who really helped me get ready for today”
Generic praise, like “good job” or “nice work” can have unintended side-effects, almost like
all-inclusive distribution of participation trophies. It falsely bolsters a sense of accomplishment
and pride without teaching the lesson about how these emotions are earned. Attaching the
praise to a particular activity, behavior, or effort educates a young mind on how to conduct
themselves moving forward. Praise that only focuses on an accomplishment and not the energy
and struggle that preceded it may communicate to a child that they are valued only for what
they do, not for having inherent value. Children, regardless of age, seek approval of those around
them. Praising a toddler or teenager should follow the same rules: Be specific and authentic,
and encourage effort and initiative.
